AstroNuts Mission One Read online

  Many thanks to the Rijksmuseum for their use of the engravings featured throughout the book. Command Escape, Earth, and Mount Rushmore are all collaged from images in the public domain under the Creative Commons General Use License. More information on all this is available at www.AstroNuts.space

  For Amina —J.S. and S.W.

  Text copyright © 2019 by Jon Scieszka.

  Illustrations copyright © 2019 by Steven Weinberg.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

  ISBN 978-1-4521-7119-7 (hc)

  ISBN 978-1-4521-7303-0 (epub, mobi)

  Design by Ryan Hayes and Jay Marvel.

  Typeset in Freight Micro, Typewriter, and Noyh.

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  Yes, blastoff. How exciting.

  Usually. But not this time.

  This time, blastoff was scary and awful. Because this blastoff was a deadly emergency.

  And it was all caused by you humans. You humans who finally crossed the BIG RED LINE by putting more than 400 PPM (parts per million) of CO2 (carbon dioxide) into my beautiful atmosphere. Overheating my oceans, melting my ice caps, killing my plants and animals and even yourselves, and . . . well, more about that later.

  Oh, hello. I’m Earth. Your planet. And boy, do I have a story to tell you.

  Lucky for you humans, way back in 1988, a couple of your smart scientists working for NNASA (Not the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) in a secret lab inside Mount Rushmore built four superpowered animal astronauts. Because what a perfect place to hide what could be the most important program ever—right in plain sight, clear as the nose on Thomas Jefferson’s face. These animals were designed in case of emergency—in case humans ever went over the BIG RED LINE—to automatically activate, launch into space, and investigate a new Goldilocks Planet. A place not too hot, not too cold, just right for humans to live on. Like I used to be. Before you got here.

  Well, that emergency finally happened.

  Humans pushed the level of CO2 in my atmosphere over 400 PPM, over the BIG RED LINE. In fact, you put more CO2 in my atmosphere than there has ever been in the last two million years. So, blastoff.

  That’s right. Your best hope for a new planet was in the paws and claws of four experimental, untested animal astronauts.

  Chapter 1: Ahhhhhhhh!!!

  Inside the Thomas Jefferson Nose Rocket, things got off to a rough start.

  Maybe because the super animals had been in storage for more than 25 years. But maybe also because they had been made of oddball bits and parts.

  They were superpowered, sure. But they’d never been tested.

  Command Escape, the slightly rusty, very glitchy 1988 computer brains of the Goldilocks Mission, popped onto the Nose Rocket vid-screen.

  ///// Official NNASA transcript /////

  //// of ASTRONUT MISSION 1 ////

  Command Escape: Yes. About that/about that/about that. There has been one small change in your program.

  LaserShark: Every day we get more fabulous superpowers?

  Command Escape: Not exactly/not exactly.

  SmartHawk: With each mission, we get smarter and smarter?

  Command Escape: Hmmmmm . . . no.

  AlphaWolf: We get gold medals right now?

  Command Escape: No. Your NNASA PD-934 Program Description was misspelled.

  AlphaWolf: So we get our medals later?

  Command Escape: So you are not/not/not astronauts.

  AlphaWolf: What?!

  Command Escape: You are AstroNuts.

  StinkBug: Oh. That is not right.

  Command Escape: I will file paperwork to correct the error. Do not worry about that. It is much more important for you to remember that, because of interstellar traffic, your exploration of the Plant Planet is limited to exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/exactly two weeks/

  This was one of Command Escape’s longest glitch sequences ever.

  “Right,” said AlphaWolf. “Got it. EXACTLY TWO WEEKS. JEEZ.”

  “—exactly two weeks/exactly—”

  AlphaWolf accidentally-on-purpose leaned on the Command Escape OFF Button.

  The AstroNuts headed to the AstroNasium. Now a curious person like yourself might wonder exactly where an AstroNasium might be in a Thomas Jefferson Nose Rocket—and exactly what else might be inside a Thomas Jefferson Nose Rocket.

  Of course, the Nose equipment is Top-Secret and should never be shown.

  But an honest individual like yourself could probably look at a classified Nose blueprint and not blab about it to everybody. Right? Now forget everything you saw here. Let’s check out the AstroNuts’ amazing AstroPowers.

  Chapter 2: AlphaWolf

  Chapter 3: SmartHawk

  CHAPTER 4: LaserShark

  CHAPTER 5: StinkBug

  CHAPTER 6: Homework

  Feeling pretty super about showing off their superpowers, the AstroNuts marched from the AstroNasium into the AstroTorium. They were superpowered, all right. But exploring a Goldilocks Planet takes more than superpowers. It also takes superhuman ability to watch videos, answer questions, and fill out forms.

  If you saw Why the Plant Planet?, I think you would agree it is a fairly interesting film.

  Lots of beautiful shots of plant life. A very soothing voice talking about why the Plant Planet just might have everything a planet would need to support human life. Very solid science.

  But can we talk about that weak ending?

  The whole video ends with a blank Form 35-FGPR Final Goldilocks Planet Report.

  Not the most exciting ending ever.

  The only good news about Form 35-FGPR was: The AstroNuts didn’t have to fill it out until the end of their mission.

  The AstroNuts were ready. They filed out of the AstroTorium. They took their positions on the AstroNoseBridge, hurtling toward the Plant Planet at an intergalactic speed too fast to even be explained.

  Just like that, they had traveled 39 light-years.

  In 3 hours and 26 minutes.

  Seriously breaking the Speed Limit of the Universe.

  The AstroNuts were jazzed.

  They were ready to explore everything!

  They were also, except for StinkBug, completely clueless that they were very, very, very, very close to the Plant Planet.

  CHAPTER 7: CRASH!!!!

  CHAPTER 8: Oh, No

  Now, this is the part of space exploration—a first look at a new planet—that you would think would be the most exciting. The most dramatic. The most amazing.

  But because these were the AstroNuts, it was not any of these things.

  Because these were the AstroNuts, the nose of their Nose Rocket was stuck in 1.7 metric tons of Plant Planet plants.

  And they were in complete darkness.

  ///// Official NNASA transcript /////

  //// of AstroNut MISSION 1 ////

  StinkBug: Great. Our crash-landing broke our exterior Nose instruments.

  AlphaWolf: What are we going to do?!

  SmartHawk: Well, we could use AstroPlan AP-123G (Gesundheit).

  AlphaWolf: Oh, right. I was going to suggest that. One quick question: What is AstroPlan AP-123G (Gesundheit)?

  StinkBug: Actually, I thought this could happen. So I redesigned the Nose Thruster to double as an Emergen
cy Exit.

  AlphaWolf: Is this going to mess up my silky fur?

  LaserShark: It sounds like a thrilling ride.

  SmartHawk: Genius. Now, before we blow out onto the Plant Planet, let’s confirm our AstroAssignments.

  AlphaWolf: Or we COULD . . . just head back to Earth. That would be safest. For everyone, of course.

  StinkBug flipped the Thruster Override Switch and activated his genius exit with AP-123G (Gesundheit).

  It was not exactly a door.

  It was not exactly a hatch.

  But if you think about it, it is the obvious way to exit a Nose.

  And that’s how the AstroNuts SnotRocketed out of the Thomas Jefferson Nose and right into their investigation of the Plant Planet.

  CHAPTER 9: Maps, Etc.

  Hitting the atmosphere, SmartHawk flew into action, using her perfect zoom vision—observing, testing, and mapping.

  She input and graphed the climate conditions.

  SmartHawk ran the numbers through her plans.

  SmartHawk was so worried by her calculations that she accidentally wing-flapped a mini Dark Energy Vortex. Then she zoomed back to the Nose Rocket to download her data.

  CHAPTER 10: Tay-Tay Tomatoes

  Blowing out of the Nose Rocket, LaserShark, as usual, got a little distracted.

  She activated her Super Electromagnetic Field. She zoomed three happy loop-de-loops. She sang a snatch of her “I Love Flying” song. And then she got down to her always-hungry, always-friendly super AstroWork.

  Because LaserShark loved food so much, she collected and listed almost every single plant that you could possibly eat on the whole planet. Chomping one last taste of Kowabunga Kelp in her massive jaws, she buzzed back to the Thomas Jefferson Nose Rocket.

  CHAPTER 11: Hardwood

  Even though StinkBug loved science, he was not a big fan of the unknown. I don’t blame him, even though the unknown is where I spend most of my time. The unknown is scary.

  StinkBug tumbled out of the Nose Rocket and looked around for any giant snakes or frogs or lizards who might eat him. When that didn’t happen, StinkBug kicked his serious High-Altitude Jumping legs into action and checked out the Plant Planet trees.

  StinkBug zoomed his expert eye in on plant possibilities for building shelter on the Plant Planet.

  Seriously hopping (and seriously leaking a bit of nervous methane gas) all the way back to the Thomas Jefferson Nose Rocket, StinkBug had no idea how right he was.

  CHAPTER 12: Inside the AlphaLounge

  Meanwhile, somehow still back in the Nose Rocket: AlphaWolf, the Greatest, Bravest, and Most Amazing Mission Leader EVER, was getting ready to spring into action—just as soon as he rechecked his section of the Mission Manual.

  It was a shame he thought this was boring, because really, this is pretty serious stuff. Trust me, if there is one thing I know, it’s this: The balance of a planet is key to its survival. And existing life is key to its balance. So if you are ever exploring an unknown planet, it would be smart of you to be very careful about not messing up existing life on that planet.

  AlphaWolf trimmed his claws. He brushed his fur (twice). He gave himself one of his Positive Attitude pep talks. Then he realized it wasn’t very exciting in the ship without anyone to boss around.

  Maybe it was time to do his job.

  Have you ever heard the saying “Stop and smell the roses”? It’s a good piece of advice I’ve learned in my experience spinning through space.

  And if you were an overpowered experimental astronaut wolf looking for intelligent life on a Goldilocks Planet, I might also add, “Stop and look at the Giant Venus Flytrap reading a chemistry textbook.”

  And I would further add, “You might spot an entire advanced civilization hiding right under your greatest superpowered nose.”

  But what do I know?

  I’ve only been around for 4.5 billion years or so.

  CHAPTER 13: Lunchtime

  Just between you and me, I never thought the Plant Planet was all that great. But the AstroNuts were pretty pleased with themselves for completing their first scientific look at a planet.

  And they were just starting to reward themselves with LaserShark’s delicious AstroPicnic when the voice of Command Escape snorted out of the Thomas Jefferson Left Nostril Port.

  The AstroNuts decided to pretend they didn’t hear Command Escape, and kept eating their picnic. But Command Escape had a trick up his Nose Rocket. Using the Nose Remote Control back on Earth, Command Escape activated the Xtreme Intake and . . .

  . . . sucked the AstroNuts into the Nostril Ports and all the way down to the AstroWorkLab.

  The AstroNuts got to work in the AstroWorkLab.

  Well, some of them did.

  I’ll give you three guesses who finished their report first.

  And your first two guesses don’t count.

  You know that feeling after you’ve turned in your homework? When you are so glad you are finished that you don’t notice anything around you? Not even really bad things really near to you?

  Well, that’s exactly how the AstroNuts were feeling.

  But fortunately for the AstroNuts, back at NNASA HQ, Command Escape was paying attention.

  The AstroNuts had never heard Command Escape so freaked out.

  So you better believe they Activated Powers.

  And jumped to FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHT!

  CHAPTER 14: The Battle

  I’ve seen a lot of fights, a lot of battles, a lot of wars in my time. Like T. rex vs. Triceratops. Orca vs. Giant Squid. Army Ants vs. Fire Ants. So believe me when I tell you—the AstroNuts used their superpowers to put up a rousing good fight.

  As usual, SmartHawk was exactly right. AstroPlan-821NB was a perfect plan for this precise situation.

  Until AlphaWolf decided he needed to make Plan 821NB even greater.

  He howled a crazy howl, and . . .

  And here is the Straight Science:

  1.

  In the last 100 years, my average temperature has gone steadily up–2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, and 2018 were the 6 hottest years ever recorded.

  2.

  My rising temperature has been caused by you clever humans inventing things that burn coal and oil and gas.

  Burning these fossil fuels puts crazy amounts of CO2 (carbon dioxide) into my atmosphere.

  More CO2 in my atmosphere produces the Greenhouse Effect, trapping heat from the sun close to me.

  The Greenhouse Effect heats me up.

  3.

  Now, you don’t have to believe any of this is true just because I am Earth—your very own planet–and I wouldn’t lie to you.

  No, you can believe my climate change is true because 97% of your own human scientists who have studied this agree:

  MY CLIMATE CHANGE IS BEING CAUSED BY HUMAN ACTIVITY.

  The humans who disagree seem to be mostly humans who are making money by making climate change worse. Doesn’t that seem a bit suspicious?

  4.

  Because a hotter me is bad news for everything living on me.

  My rising temperature means a lot worse than you just getting a little warmer.

  It means:

  • my ice caps melting

  • my oceans rising over your cities

  • more violent storms, fires, and droughts

  • all kinds of plant, animal, and bug life being extinguished

  And I can’t help it.

  This climate fever of mine is like a very bad flu. A Humans-Burning-Fossil-Fuels Flu.

  5.

  You humans burning fossil fuels, wasting water, and not paying attention to the signs I’ve been giving you—that’s what got us both into this mess. All those hot years, all those ice caps melting, all that ocean rise—those were my signals to you! But you ignored them.

  So now it’s up to you to figure a way out. You can:

  a) Burn less fossil fuels or b) Find another planet with air and water and plants and animals, just like Me. A
nd transport all 7.7 billion humans there to live.

  It doesn’t really matter to me what you decide. I’m a planet. I think in millions of years. If your species decides to temporarily wreck my finely balanced climate and ecosystems by ending all human existence—I’ll be sad. I’ll miss you.

  But I will also, in a few thousand or million years, be just fine.

  . . . added his special touch to SmartHawk’s AstroPlan-821NB, by putting on a show-off burst of his Greatest SuperSpeed.

  AlphaWolf SuperSpeed ran. He SuperSpeed tripped. And SuperSpeed fell smack into LaserShark . . .

  . . . which caused LaserShark to misfire her Most Super-Electromagnetic Laser Bolt . . .

  . . . which fused with SmartHawk’s Most Perfect Dark Energy Tornado . . .

  . . . and formed a terrible Electrified Dark Energy Super Vortex . . .

  . . . which—well, just trust me, the science checks out—

  . . . knocked them all out—

  so they could be quite easily wrapped up by the Giant Vines . . .